When Jeb and I traveled we try to always eat local. Wherever we were. we wanted to support the local community and also….eat really good food. Everyone in awhile through we would drive through a McDonalds for breakfast or a Taco Bell late at night. One trip to Colorado our flight got in right after lunch and we had been up since 2:30am to catch our flight, y’all we were hangry! LOL We discussed a few options to grab something quick and then he said Arby’s. Yuck. I didn’t want Arby’s, didn’t ever eat at Arby’s. He insisted, once his mind was set, that was it. Fine. Whatever James.

We parked, me grumpy, walked through the doors and turned immediately left to find a seat first and this is what I saw….

THE BEST ARBY’S I have ever had. Was it that I just never ate there or was it the view that changed everything?

I am coming to the conclusion right now that as I am in the thick of the loss of Jeb, my view on things may also be contributing to how I am dealing with it on a daily basis. The first few weeks were a blur of shock and absolute devastation. It was all VERY personal. Desperate. Desperate to have my husband, my best friend, back. Desperate for our kids and grandkids to have him back. And selfishly, most of all, I was desperate for our “normal, very routine, happy home life” to be put back i tact.

I hated it. All of it, parts of me still do. I told God so. And also how dumb I thought his plans were. Anger. Restlessness. Brain fog. His clothes hanging in the closet. His book and reading glasses, still sitting on the back of his toilet at home. Hurt. Pain. I knew I was only hanging by a thread to Jesus. as much as I have said I want to walk through all of this, I also want it to all go away. So, last week my motto became “I’m struggling but its better then giving up, I suppose”.

Y’all. I don’t want to live like that forever. So, I started being very careful with what I am doing, who I allowing in my space, have said “yes” to a lot of good friends offering to help. I have built a circle around me, people God has put in place specifically for this time. I wake up almost every single morning at 3:00am and I am reading 3 books + the bible. One of the books specifically has really started to help me change my point of view. Suffering by Paul David Tripp. Chapter 2, Pg 28:

OOF. So basically, we all bring baggage, expectations, desires, intentions into our suffering, which in turn changes how we deal with grief itself. After really meditating on this statement for a few days, i realized there a couple of things I am trying to hold onto and bring them into the trauma of loosing my partner of 30 years: 1. Control 2. Expectations 3. My own Strength. All three of which I am now working through. Giving control over to Christ, fully. Unrealistic expectations of what this should look like for me, and others. I am weak, I can not do any of this alone. These are not bad things, I am starting to sense that I am stronger BECAUSE of these realizations.

“Like a stream, your attitudes, choices, reactions, decisions, and responses to whatever you are facing flow out of your heart. The heart is the center of your personhood” PDT

James 1:2-4

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

“Rather than suffering being connected to the bad things you’ve done, Scripture connects trials and difficulty to the good things God wants for us and is working to produce in us.” PDT

Don’t give up. Keep seeking, keep asking, keep your heart open. I am NOT telling you that this isn’t hard or that it doesn’t hurt, I am telling you there is grace and REDEMPTION from things that seem so incredibly broken.

Try changing your view.

Love,

Tiffany Breda