September

by Tiffany on March 2, 2026

Posted in Category

Well not really, but it is almost 9 months without the love of my life. And when I think of 9 months, I automatically think of September…my birth month, the month oysters are back in season, Bayfest, Comal County fair, beach days…my favorite month.

But I digress. Its actually March 2, 2026.

It’s difficult to clearly explain where I am right now. Half of me is still “married” to the man I met at 19. The man I grew up with and built an amazing home and family with. The man who gave me stability in a world where I had never known that word. The other half of me is pissed. And I am pretty sure I am in a “I Don’t give a F” place some days. I am tired. I am over hurting. I’m annoyed with the emotional roller coaster I still seem to be on. Its sadness, loneliness, guilt, confusion, and still a lot of “How the F is this real”! I feel like I am far enough removed to start making some personal decisions, but then when I start to think that way the guilt and the fear of what others will think steps in. And I am not talking about just anyone, I am speaking of those that I love and care for most, close to me. WE have all been through something traumatic and something none of us were prepared for. My life has never just been about me, post Jeb, and every decision I make effects those around me.

But let’s talk about those on the outside looking in, you don’t get a vote, unless your spouse is dead too.

You weren’t there when I found him unresponsive

You weren’t there when I had to pick our sick 3 yr old granddaughter up and rush her out of the room

You weren’t there when I was called downstairs by the lead Dr

You weren’t there when I had to make the decision to stop lifesaving procedures because he was not responding

You weren’t there when I had to start calling our children

You weren’t there, standing in the hallway, when I mouthed “I CANT DO THIS” to our pastor/friend

You weren’t there when I had to ask for his personal belongings and they were given to me in a makeshift plastic bag

You weren’t there when myself, and all our kids, were inundated with questions no one is really prepared to answer moments after a loved one has passed

You weren’t there when I was questioned by police

When every decision has now fallen to me and only me

When I have the panic attacks and I find myself on the bathroom floor unable to breathe

When Happiness feels like betrayal

When around a group of people “I’m ok” because I don’t want to be looked at like “you poor thing”, but also if you ask me, I will tell you so be prepared

When you must watch your grown kids now walk through life without their dad at 19, 24, 29, 32.

When I fear loving again.

Fear.

Shame.

Debates with God at 3:00am for many. Many. Many nights

So, if you see me –

Smiling, rebuilding, helping build a business, traveling, laughing too loud, dancing

None of it means I’ve stopped loving him or missing him.

It means I’m trying to learn how to carry two things at once:

Choosing to live again and missing him fiercely.